Still the one

yep, from the '70s song, "Still the One", God is with me. I patently do not have images of Christ, for no one knows what He looked like. I will forgo that consistency here, using someone's artwork showing Christ hugging a girl. This is God ... support when you need it.

I am a selfish man, selfish goals, me me me ... God helps by showing me that others benefit, that others are in greater need. I've "happened" out of bad situations, and "happened" into good ones. I'll thank God for those. Since He has looked out for me so often, the least I can do is look out for others and help where I can.

You are frustrated, I understand

but if I discussed with you my plans, you'd never understand, or so I get from God. I'm just to stupid. I can't argue with that.

I am angered by my computer ... won't charge, and work issues ... want to go here, do that, but I can't. Why, why, why, why? I feel almost picked on at times, but God has a plan. I wrestle with things and have a poor night's sleep. Thunder wakes me, rain pelts hard against the window.

"Yikes! Did I shut the car windows?" I did, but found other windows that weren't completely shut and so God did something for me, for others.

I got lucky at work, in one respect, and have been lucky in timing in other instances. I'd say God is looking out for me!

shaking my fist

I am fed up with ...
No, I'd like to say God, but no. I'm fed up with my ignorance. I don't understand God and God doesn't seem to communicate with stupid-ol' me in a way I can childishly understand. Can you make your answer in six words or less?

"I am not capable of fulfilling your request merely because you desire it personally for no gain to the development of others."

So ... that's a no.

At times, God makes it quite clear ... "stop", "no", "don't", but I'm still waiting for the "yes" or maybe a "good boy" every now and then. I try and think -- therein is my folly, think that I am doing okay.

God loves thinkers and doers, but if I think I know God's will, I don't. I am an anxious, desperately greedy man who wants and wants and stake claim of wanting it for others.

I do seek to improve the lives of others.
I seek an immediate action on God's part for me. Huh, I wonder why I don't get it. Surely I am the center of the universe, right?
I introspect often and like grass and leaves -- dandelions, I get ideas -- sometimes darn good ones. I think and think, but only and only when I feel them and I filled with

"that'll do pig, that'll do"+

Only because I have denied my nature, risked exposure, tempted expulsion, put blade to chest and just did, declaring nothing ... and what I did is small, insignificant ... lifted a seven legged spider from a can or something for another person. I acted on impulse, doing the simplest thing. There! There! That simple thing there! God asked and I did. Was saying hello so important? It was. It is in the simple, the kind, the because it is right for the moment, the circumstance, the person. That is God's will.

I still fixate on my want, forgetting that I too got the "hello" or someone picking up my fallen keys. God's service often doesn't have a name. "If you've done everything right, people won't know you've done anything at all."

Free will is "you may", what you chose to do is what matters. You cannot expect to win the lottery from forwarding email or donating to the church or by helping your neighbor. Doing good, doing right is fine -- having and sharing love brings you what you need -- be it a hardship filled life with flashes of joy or a fortune-filled life with joys abounding. You chose what you do ... not your conception, not your entire life as a child -- not all the ill in your life. If you look at your life, as I have, like Job, you are tested. Whether it is Satan or your actions that bring woe, your willingness to share love and to love at all is what makes you special. God is love and so sharing love is sharing God, which overpowers evil.

I am filled with want which brings me childish woe. I feel now pain from seeing a wounded person whom I feel I cannot help. I hope that I can give up my idiot-thinking in favor of sharing love, which is the thing that matters most. My humanity gets in the way of being of God's "in His own image".

+ "Babe"

Taking

In any relationship there is give and take. I never thought about it much until yesterday. I claim to want to have a relationship with God, but I don't really talk with Him, but at Him. I don't really give anything, but am happy to take. It's disgusting and disturbing and if I can rethink, do better, I'll have a relationship with God. I suppose, right now, it's like God has an incessant child, me, wanting perpetually.

Now, I have to find a good way to give back to God. I've had few instances where I could direct people to a higher purpose, beyond the human and physical realm. I have had instances where I could help people, but so very rarely in a spiritual way at all.

I cannot claim virtue or piety or great spirituality, for pragmatically I'm far from those. I can be sure that I am unsure of more things than I "know" and as any child, still have some maturing and growing to do. My needs are already met and now I'm stuck on "wants". I have good ideas for what I'd like to do, what could be helpful to people, but as always, my "wants" are merged and married into the mix of how to help others.

What God wants is service, love and I'm darn sure that I don't know how to do either and sadly am more interested in being defiant and closed minded, fisted about the whole thing.

God's always right

There I was speeding and had to slow down repeatedly for traffic. Some time down the road -- a police car was lurking. I have done many things that God intervened to ensure my safety or more longevity satisfaction. God's right, but I'm still stuck on me being right. Sometime I'll learn a bit better.

Thanks God

I don't like work, but ...

folks are not in hospital,
despite my months of travel I don't have a speeding ticket,
I'm almost afloat on my bills

I'm alive


So, thanks God!

"Relationship"

Do you have a relationship? It is a simple question, but generally the investigator doesn't get an emphatic -- "yes, yes, yes." Generally, there's a pause, consideration and a Congressional answer trying to give away nothing.

The question here is, "Do I have a relationship with God?"

I can say, perfunctory like a sneeze, but that's meaningless. Rather, I should think and consider what is a relationship. A relationship is where both people give, not just take. What do I give to God? If I don't give God anything ... I don't have a relationship at all. What then do I give God.

Hmmm ... what do I do for God?

I guess I'm in trouble, for my relationship might be false ... I take and take and take. What do I give. I could imagine things ... I could guess, but I'm not sure I have a relationship with God. I want one, but I don't do a thing for God that I know. I guess I could find God some other friends who give more -- there! That would be something to do for God, for I think I hurt God in my selfishness and crudeness -- more savage and cruel than literature's finest villans.

I mentioned before, God doesn't always communicate in English, words, or visually, so I'm left with, "is this good for others... is this goood for God".

Entering month five

Well, at work, I feel sore, tired and unappreciated. I grumble often and have bouts of "gotta get out of this place". Monday was bad at the start and bad at the finish ... I guess the middle was okay. God isn't out to get me, but some days it seems that I can't get anything right. I either say fart instead of flake, like, "pass the corn farts" or simply I can't hold a pen. This simple tasks that I should be able to do and I can't irk me greatly.

I have to leave early to avoid traffic, trains, and get a head's up for the evening, then be beleaguered with nonsense questions and interruptions with, "Hey!" let me pull you aside and talk about some trinket of advice wasting your valuable time.

I think, "I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing".+ I'm looking for work and can find little to nothing. The ones that sound like the Publisher's Clearing House are likely, just that. Give us the right to sell your contact info to other companies and agencies to fill your mailbox with junk mail. As far as a job -- not with us, Bucko!

Despite my many complaints ...worthy and not, I still thank God that I'm alive ... there are fewer family health issues now. Although there are waves of discomfort over other issues, things are better and I cannot challenge God in His decisions. While driving and thinking I did come up with one mostly-universal truth ... one applicable to most religions:

"Improve the world with your existence." I think, if embracing this, following your religion -- whatever it might be, would be easier. This especially smacks true for me, for I am still selfish. If I wholly embraced this concept, I cannot make the world a better place if I take from others so that I have more, generally just to say I have more. I should not impoverish others for my satisfaction, alone.

+ Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Regret

I counted my limbs ... four. I counted my digits, twenty. Why am I always griping? I don't always want more, but am usually annoyed that there is a rat devouring food and I see it, point it out to others and they see it too. Rather than shoo off the rat or try to eliminate it, they work around it. I guess that is the most disturbing. I come up with ideas how to remove the rat, but that would take effort on others' parts. Move the food source, secure it, and then there is no issue. For all my efforts, the rat remains. With time, the rat will have company.

A bad situation that isn't improved doesn't get better with time. It aggravates me to no end.

God shines

I should have had a speeding ticket, costing me lots of money for it and the insurance hike, but I got a warning. I should have had a situation with a company, but they called and I have it partially resolved. I should have been denied access to a test today, for I lost a paper. They let me in with ID. I should be tired, but I'm typing.

God shines.

It should be cold enough to snow today, but it's bright and cool. I should be miserable about the drive to work, but I'm okay with it. I should be unhappy, but I'm not.

God shines.

Although I'm still gasping for air, under the water of debt, I can feel in my frenzy, a hand extended helping me -- keeping me from drowning. I could panic and die. Instead, I struggle on, knowing that up there -- there is a hand waiting for me to grasp it. I am not alone. I have a reason to fear, but I have a reason to hope too.

God shines.

bounce back like rubber

God knows and I don't what parts go where. So there I am complaining about the miniscule and the larger picture is beyond my concept. I was criping and whining about what I didn't want, rather than what I had. Sheesh! What a whining little kid. Stepping back, I see my childishness and am not amused at my behavior.

Whah! I want this! Whah! I want that!

Seeing now that I should drop the diapers and appear to make an effort to potty train, maybe in decades I'll be off the pot and a bit wiser, smarter, and maybe ... just, maybe

a little more mature.

Learning

The most recent lesson I've learned is that I stink at more things that I knew. Without a doubt, I am worse at more things that I know and much more than those at which I excel. More work has proven that in any simple job, there is skill required. My job requires a fast, proficient talent that I do not have. I hope to develop it soon.

I also learned that God has plans that go well beyond those of my conception. Why am I here? I could ask why any person is here, but my more relevant question is why am I where I am? God knows, I don't. I was teaching, but in leaving teaching, my mother was hospitalized and I drove my heart-stricken father to see her, as he wasn't driving well. I put forth a geyser or cascading falls of resume's that were like bird poop.

In this hellish few months, I had no money, no job prospects, saw my father beside himself and my mom alive and doing well, all things considered and I was like a shadow. I appeared during the day, followed, then fell at night. For months, and still, I find rest elusive.

I also found that God did not let me leave ... there was a reason I was around. I couldn't just end my life without accounting, for I was responsible for more than just me. I, like it or not, was and am a role model. I didn't just shelf that after teaching. I was lost ... feeling crappy and selfish. Finally, friends tried to get me out of the hole I dug for myself.

A friend reviewed my resume' and found it to be uncomfortable toilet paper and helped me revise it. After these wicked, nasty months ... I found that I had God, I had friends, I had family. I had a couple of things still holding me back ...
pride and selfishness.

While I haven't abandoned them fully, I have far less pride, foolishly placed, and have nothing material so I can't be selfish in that respect. I guess it was squeezing time for me. God needed me to have a lot of the waste in me wrung away. I'm still dirty, wet, ragged, but usable. I am a washrag, but I serve a purpose. I could either be a bitter washrag or I could strive to be the best one that I can.

I think I'll try to be the best that I can. Thanks God!

Dog gone log puller!

Keith exchanged dogs, meaning that he caged one and let the other one roam. Cheyenne was in typical form. "She literally dragged me across the floor", Keith coughed out while laughing. He isn't too pleased with her puppy behaviors right now, but they might diminish over time. Each dog is strong and together they could easily pull a wagon with their family of three.

"Eskimo, ex-cargo, my Radio Flyer go 160, swiftly. Eukanuba run, true run run run..."

The p-p-p-p-puppy power didn't much like the high movement antics of bi-peds playing Wii, when they weren't allowed in front of the TV or to jump on players or to chew on neat, new-smelling toys and gadgets. It wasn't nearly as fun for the puppies as adults. Cheyenne and Echo were, however, happy to get lovies and lie on laps and find naughty activities such as chewing heirlooms, toys; pulling food from previously-thought safe places. Cheyenne and Echo had itchy places I found. They were licking appreciations to me, sometimes smelling of wicked foulness in their mouths.

According to Keith who used the company ulta-expensive camera to shoot some shots, he got a me does Kilroy, half a face peering over a dog, while I scratched and lovied her. What silly, lovable dogs. "Pets" are theaputic. More often, pets are adopted family, sitting on furniture, lying in beds and sharing almost everything, including bathroom time. I remember this of Sid, especially, wanting to sit with me or right outside the door, if I could close the door fast enough.

+ title from Disney's "101 Dalmations"

Dogs gone mild

Dogs bite and chew each other. They sit on people's laps. They lick and nibble on your ears. They try to steal your snacks.
They also share their muddy prints upon your once-clean jacket. It's okay, it was washed; next week they will attack it.

Echo got to ride in the car to the video store then to Starbucks. He got free lovin' scratches from the window person who wasn't too disppointed to pet his soft head. Without a "woof", he wiggled his "typical" rottweiler stump of a tail. He sat midseat, for getting him to stay in back was a battle not worth fighting.

Cheyenne, the naughty, was at home. She greeted him when he came in, jealous that he smelled of other places (the car).

Sadness

I skipped my thoughts on my sadness in favor of helping disassmble (Short Circuit robt claining otherwise) the Christmas tree. It didn't help my mood. I did put on old radio comedy for the folks including Burns & Allen, Jack Benny, Bob Newhart, Smother Brothers.

I still have little joy in my heart. Smiling is a commodity I cannot share.

I compiled pictures for family and

namely, PA family of the family here in FW during this Christmas and New Year. The line was long, yet a bratty old woman ahead of me claimed, "that woman is holding my place" (while she put her crap together. Nice. There was a woman behind her that was older and carrying larger boxes. The woman took no notice and continued to be in the way. I moved a stand, allowing the encumbered woman to walk by, later setting her boxes on a desk. She declined to allow me to carry them for her. I guess that makes sense.

I saw a young boy from the neighborhood who attneds a local school. Adrian passed by me with a smile. Good kid, though his house is full of people. That house, in particular, has had large families historically. The previous group was at least two families with 12 some people in a three or four bedroom house. Yikes! There was a third family that seemed to "time share".

I found and old 60s - 70s band, Spooky Tooth. I heard a song and forever could not find the group, "Green Eyed Lady". They aren't what you'd call hard rocking, but for the 60s/70s they were medium rock. I saw the geography and topography of my father's back. He claimed to have regional-specific itching. The area had a spot and on its lateral a different and scarier spot. Hmm. He claimed that he was going to see the dermatologist. I only hope that he does.

His moles are odd, but not uncommon. The other areas are of some concern to me.

Here is a blastoma, not nearly as bad as previous ones my mother has had. It is one of the wonders and "joys" of diabetes.

Parting away from my old ways

Adam and Eve were tempted into biting the apple. Despite the bounty and plenty around them, they chose to eat the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge. For this, sin and Satan shows his lust for control. I engage in ranting so often, I fail to see the beauty. I have bitten the apple of knowledge, bear my mark of sin and must always be weary of sin and temptations. I have been filled with want, desire, and more, more, more. I seek to change and reflect no on my exile from Eden and what lies ahead for me and for other generations -- poisoned from my sins.