shaking my fist

I am fed up with ...
No, I'd like to say God, but no. I'm fed up with my ignorance. I don't understand God and God doesn't seem to communicate with stupid-ol' me in a way I can childishly understand. Can you make your answer in six words or less?

"I am not capable of fulfilling your request merely because you desire it personally for no gain to the development of others."

So ... that's a no.

At times, God makes it quite clear ... "stop", "no", "don't", but I'm still waiting for the "yes" or maybe a "good boy" every now and then. I try and think -- therein is my folly, think that I am doing okay.

God loves thinkers and doers, but if I think I know God's will, I don't. I am an anxious, desperately greedy man who wants and wants and stake claim of wanting it for others.

I do seek to improve the lives of others.
I seek an immediate action on God's part for me. Huh, I wonder why I don't get it. Surely I am the center of the universe, right?
I introspect often and like grass and leaves -- dandelions, I get ideas -- sometimes darn good ones. I think and think, but only and only when I feel them and I filled with

"that'll do pig, that'll do"+

Only because I have denied my nature, risked exposure, tempted expulsion, put blade to chest and just did, declaring nothing ... and what I did is small, insignificant ... lifted a seven legged spider from a can or something for another person. I acted on impulse, doing the simplest thing. There! There! That simple thing there! God asked and I did. Was saying hello so important? It was. It is in the simple, the kind, the because it is right for the moment, the circumstance, the person. That is God's will.

I still fixate on my want, forgetting that I too got the "hello" or someone picking up my fallen keys. God's service often doesn't have a name. "If you've done everything right, people won't know you've done anything at all."

Free will is "you may", what you chose to do is what matters. You cannot expect to win the lottery from forwarding email or donating to the church or by helping your neighbor. Doing good, doing right is fine -- having and sharing love brings you what you need -- be it a hardship filled life with flashes of joy or a fortune-filled life with joys abounding. You chose what you do ... not your conception, not your entire life as a child -- not all the ill in your life. If you look at your life, as I have, like Job, you are tested. Whether it is Satan or your actions that bring woe, your willingness to share love and to love at all is what makes you special. God is love and so sharing love is sharing God, which overpowers evil.

I am filled with want which brings me childish woe. I feel now pain from seeing a wounded person whom I feel I cannot help. I hope that I can give up my idiot-thinking in favor of sharing love, which is the thing that matters most. My humanity gets in the way of being of God's "in His own image".

+ "Babe"