Bite of the Apple

she follows Christ

2008-12-06T12:03:00.000-08:00

Simone baptized.

3 lives

2008-12-06T10:48:00.000-08:00

God created and so created all. In creating all, God created people and thereby each person and thereby the processes. God gave life. You were born and continue to exist -- this is the life God gave you.

God gave the world life with Christ, moreover in Christ. All persons live in the presence of God and in the presence of Christ. Here people live and are living in Christ -- the "second" life.

Christ gives you life hereafter, a life unending, eternity for the multitude of souls. We are blessed.

Paths

2008-05-16T18:24:00.001-07:00

I guess it is the path and steps we take that define our journey. We all live; we all die. We all struggle in many ways. I suppose I ought to enjoy a bit of the view on my trip, my journey, my epic of life. God willing, I will find the right path more often. If I listen, God directions me well, still allowing me choice. While not always the easier way, His way is the better way.

F is for failure

2008-05-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

Failure to comprehend .... failure to reason. I'm left left in a quagmire of rhymes with ship. While God spells out clearly the plainness that we all breathe, we all live, we all fight for each breath, each moment on Earth. Why then do I fight God on every issue? Ah! Ego supersedes reason. I am hating the daily death of beloved, wholly or in pieces. I hate, not dislike, the careless disregard for people who participate in life ... in others, the downtrodden, the forgotten.

God, why?

I spit in God direction, which is anywhere. I think ... God also created.
I am a quilt ... join pieces into a layer to warm and comfort others.

Fart, fudge or any other replacement for profanity. I find that hate and hell fits me better than Heaven could offer. Never have I tried the passion, but I hear it is off the rack. I desire -- Hell awaits with that -- for the Hell that is married to married to my hate, my human nature of selfishness and me. God help me .... I cannot do what is meant for me ... what God timidly requests of me.

God, Jesus, generous in all ... I deny Him in seeking a finer, easier way that meets my fury, my wild, unsaddled horse. Like the derby -- all things die like my soul -- eternally with my illness.

I ill, my preference for Hell ... for me ... what I think is me, rather. Tears like tantrums ... I want, I, I,I ... want, want, want
Kicking and screaming I make a scene not progress. God understands and forgives. God knows that I would disdain the bastard -- me, a lone person to my lustful and hateful personage. Excelling my templar of sin, I loathe him.

What does Jesus want. In me, however little or much of Him I chose to show is Him. He wants want is Him -- pure love, unburdened by sin. What a God! He doesn't demand virgins and he doesn't grant them. He forgives you for all your wrongs. He forgives your pushing in line to murder. God wants you --- to fulfill the promise, LOVE.

I give little anonymous tokens, but little of my whole being. Jesus is in me if I were to only left Him speak ... let Him act.

If I put togethe the pieces before, I can barely see that God has a plan ... one like a trillion trillion cubed puzzle. I matched two pieces that are close, but not quite fitting. I tried and God saw it. That is purpse I serve. i am a cog or a blank page in a printer of a manuscript to be printed. I matter but am not a major player.

I also have life much easier than the poor, the sick, the paraplegic. I bitch so much about nothing. On top of my many blessings ... I have a woman, not mine ever, who loves me. She is like my body, without her -- I leave the living. God granted me her ... I plan to see her soul when we die. She knows me a bit more than friends can ever know me. God knows all and shes knows much. While I am killed bit by bit daily, I know that after my last breath, she will either await me or I her.

God put me here and there like a pawn or bishop to make the game work. I might be inclined to be selectively removed, but God prefers that I stay and render a win.

God. Sublime, divine, just listen

2008-04-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to be alive. I'm not liking my stress. I don't like much, but you've given me lots.

I was angry, bitter, sore ... I walked, anger in every step. Anger strikes again, you flinch not a bit. Abuse again, scourged before for sins of men like me. Step harder.

Jesus suggests, I do.

I step harder.
Step faster.
I step faster.

Look.
I look. I walk; I smell; I hear; I feel; I taste ... I don't forget. I stop caring about the anger. It drives me, but then my want for the walk moves me. I walk, mechanically ... ouch, miles short and my energy the same. My patience is short the same, but God's patience is long. Jesus wins again. Evil has no power over Him. He wins before evil starts the fight.

Jesus granted me many things. I lost what I thought was critical. While I need it, he had a need for me at times to do His bidding. I was at the right place at the right time on five occasions. Had I what I "wanted" and thought I needed most of all, I would not have been were I should have been. Like a person calling your name to say, "hi" before you were going to walk into a moving car's path.

While I am not superman, I got the chance to be used in functional ways that I could not have, had my wants been satisfied the way I wanted them. While I am still stressed, I think I should accept the things I cannot change. I should accept the opportunities given to me.

I haven't written, not for lack of material, but rather for lack of interest. Now, God has given me call ... interest.

God Willing

2008-01-29T15:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I cannot argue, nor could anyone, that good luck, fortune, God's will has shined on me. I wanted a different job and boom! I have been without a companion for a long time and bam! I think that my soul is slowly returning to me after work was holding it ransom.

God's work has shined on me. Perhaps it was when I picked up the son and threw away the gun. + Follow me (Christ) and everything will be alright; I'll be the one to keep your soul clean right.++ Forgiveness, forgiveness, even if, even if, you forget I (Christ) love you forevermore.

While evil, capable of evil, I know it isn't about being a good person. Its about forgiving others, making them better people. What is one good person among bad ... Saddam and Gomorrah. Make the world a better place. God's will, I make the world stronger, better.

+ reversal of lyrics from Bad Company, "Bad Company"
++ better version of Uncle Cracker

Still the one

2007-10-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

yep, from the '70s song, "Still the One", God is with me. I patently do not have images of Christ, for no one knows what He looked like. I will forgo that consistency here, using someone's artwork showing Christ hugging a girl. This is God ... support when you need it.

I am a selfish man, selfish goals, me me me ... God helps by showing me that others benefit, that others are in greater need. I've "happened" out of bad situations, and "happened" into good ones. I'll thank God for those. Since He has looked out for me so often, the least I can do is look out for others and help where I can.

You are frustrated, I understand

2007-10-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

but if I discussed with you my plans, you'd never understand, or so I get from God. I'm just to stupid. I can't argue with that.

I am angered by my computer ... won't charge, and work issues ... want to go here, do that, but I can't. Why, why, why, why? I feel almost picked on at times, but God has a plan. I wrestle with things and have a poor night's sleep. Thunder wakes me, rain pelts hard against the window.

"Yikes! Did I shut the car windows?" I did, but found other windows that weren't completely shut and so God did something for me, for others.

I got lucky at work, in one respect, and have been lucky in timing in other instances. I'd say God is looking out for me!

shaking my fist

2007-10-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

I am fed up with ...
No, I'd like to say God, but no. I'm fed up with my ignorance. I don't understand God and God doesn't seem to communicate with stupid-ol' me in a way I can childishly understand. Can you make your answer in six words or less?

"I am not capable of fulfilling your request merely because you desire it personally for no gain to the development of others."

So ... that's a no.

At times, God makes it quite clear ... "stop", "no", "don't", but I'm still waiting for the "yes" or maybe a "good boy" every now and then. I try and think -- therein is my folly, think that I am doing okay.

God loves thinkers and doers, but if I think I know God's will, I don't. I am an anxious, desperately greedy man who wants and wants and stake claim of wanting it for others.

I do seek to improve the lives of others.
I seek an immediate action on God's part for me. Huh, I wonder why I don't get it. Surely I am the center of the universe, right?
I introspect often and like grass and leaves -- dandelions, I get ideas -- sometimes darn good ones. I think and think, but only and only when I feel them and I filled with

"that'll do pig, that'll do"+

Only because I have denied my nature, risked exposure, tempted expulsion, put blade to chest and just did, declaring nothing ... and what I did is small, insignificant ... lifted a seven legged spider from a can or something for another person. I acted on impulse, doing the simplest thing. There! There! That simple thing there! God asked and I did. Was saying hello so important? It was. It is in the simple, the kind, the because it is right for the moment, the circumstance, the person. That is God's will.

I still fixate on my want, forgetting that I too got the "hello" or someone picking up my fallen keys. God's service often doesn't have a name. "If you've done everything right, people won't know you've done anything at all."

Free will is "you may", what you chose to do is what matters. You cannot expect to win the lottery from forwarding email or donating to the church or by helping your neighbor. Doing good, doing right is fine -- having and sharing love brings you what you need -- be it a hardship filled life with flashes of joy or a fortune-filled life with joys abounding. You chose what you do ... not your conception, not your entire life as a child -- not all the ill in your life. If you look at your life, as I have, like Job, you are tested. Whether it is Satan or your actions that bring woe, your willingness to share love and to love at all is what makes you special. God is love and so sharing love is sharing God, which overpowers evil.

I am filled with want which brings me childish woe. I feel now pain from seeing a wounded person whom I feel I cannot help. I hope that I can give up my idiot-thinking in favor of sharing love, which is the thing that matters most. My humanity gets in the way of being of God's "in His own image".

+ "Babe"

Taking

2007-08-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

In any relationship there is give and take. I never thought about it much until yesterday. I claim to want to have a relationship with God, but I don't really talk with Him, but at Him. I don't really give anything, but am happy to take. It's disgusting and disturbing and if I can rethink, do better, I'll have a relationship with God. I suppose, right now, it's like God has an incessant child, me, wanting perpetually.

Now, I have to find a good way to give back to God. I've had few instances where I could direct people to a higher purpose, beyond the human and physical realm. I have had instances where I could help people, but so very rarely in a spiritual way at all.

I cannot claim virtue or piety or great spirituality, for pragmatically I'm far from those. I can be sure that I am unsure of more things than I "know" and as any child, still have some maturing and growing to do. My needs are already met and now I'm stuck on "wants". I have good ideas for what I'd like to do, what could be helpful to people, but as always, my "wants" are merged and married into the mix of how to help others.

What God wants is service, love and I'm darn sure that I don't know how to do either and sadly am more interested in being defiant and closed minded, fisted about the whole thing.

God's always right

2007-08-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

There I was speeding and had to slow down repeatedly for traffic. Some time down the road -- a police car was lurking. I have done many things that God intervened to ensure my safety or more longevity satisfaction. God's right, but I'm still stuck on me being right. Sometime I'll learn a bit better.

Thanks God

2007-07-03T12:42:00.000-07:00

I don't like work, but ...

folks are not in hospital,
despite my months of travel I don't have a speeding ticket,
I'm almost afloat on my bills

I'm alive

So, thanks God!

"Relationship"

2007-06-20T06:51:00.001-07:00

Do you have a relationship? It is a simple question, but generally the investigator doesn't get an emphatic -- "yes, yes, yes." Generally, there's a pause, consideration and a Congressional answer trying to give away nothing.

The question here is, "Do I have a relationship with God?"

I can say, perfunctory like a sneeze, but that's meaningless. Rather, I should think and consider what is a relationship. A relationship is where both people give, not just take. What do I give to God? If I don't give God anything ... I don't have a relationship at all. What then do I give God.

Hmmm ... what do I do for God?

I guess I'm in trouble, for my relationship might be false ... I take and take and take. What do I give. I could imagine things ... I could guess, but I'm not sure I have a relationship with God. I want one, but I don't do a thing for God that I know. I guess I could find God some other friends who give more -- there! That would be something to do for God, for I think I hurt God in my selfishness and crudeness -- more savage and cruel than literature's finest villans.

I mentioned before, God doesn't always communicate in English, words, or visually, so I'm left with, "is this good for others... is this goood for God".

Entering month five

2007-06-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

Well, at work, I feel sore, tired and unappreciated. I grumble often and have bouts of "gotta get out of this place". Monday was bad at the start and bad at the finish ... I guess the middle was okay. God isn't out to get me, but some days it seems that I can't get anything right. I either say fart instead of flake, like, "pass the corn farts" or simply I can't hold a pen. This simple tasks that I should be able to do and I can't irk me greatly.

I have to leave early to avoid traffic, trains, and get a head's up for the evening, then be beleaguered with nonsense questions and interruptions with, "Hey!" let me pull you aside and talk about some trinket of advice wasting your valuable time.

I think, "I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing".+ I'm looking for work and can find little to nothing. The ones that sound like the Publisher's Clearing House are likely, just that. Give us the right to sell your contact info to other companies and agencies to fill your mailbox with junk mail. As far as a job -- not with us, Bucko!

Despite my many complaints ...worthy and not, I still thank God that I'm alive ... there are fewer family health issues now. Although there are waves of discomfort over other issues, things are better and I cannot challenge God in His decisions. While driving and thinking I did come up with one mostly-universal truth ... one applicable to most religions:

"Improve the world with your existence." I think, if embracing this, following your religion -- whatever it might be, would be easier. This especially smacks true for me, for I am still selfish. If I wholly embraced this concept, I cannot make the world a better place if I take from others so that I have more, generally just to say I have more. I should not impoverish others for my satisfaction, alone.

+ Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Regret

2007-03-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

I counted my limbs ... four. I counted my digits, twenty. Why am I always griping? I don't always want more, but am usually annoyed that there is a rat devouring food and I see it, point it out to others and they see it too. Rather than shoo off the rat or try to eliminate it, they work around it. I guess that is the most disturbing. I come up with ideas how to remove the rat, but that would take effort on others' parts. Move the food source, secure it, and then there is no issue. For all my efforts, the rat remains. With time, the rat will have company.

A bad situation that isn't improved doesn't get better with time. It aggravates me to no end.

God shines

2007-03-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

I should have had a speeding ticket, costing me lots of money for it and the insurance hike, but I got a warning. I should have had a situation with a company, but they called and I have it partially resolved. I should have been denied access to a test today, for I lost a paper. They let me in with ID. I should be tired, but I'm typing.

God shines.

It should be cold enough to snow today, but it's bright and cool. I should be miserable about the drive to work, but I'm okay with it. I should be unhappy, but I'm not.

God shines.

Although I'm still gasping for air, under the water of debt, I can feel in my frenzy, a hand extended helping me -- keeping me from drowning. I could panic and die. Instead, I struggle on, knowing that up there -- there is a hand waiting for me to grasp it. I am not alone. I have a reason to fear, but I have a reason to hope too.

God shines.

bounce back like rubber

2007-03-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

God knows and I don't what parts go where. So there I am complaining about the miniscule and the larger picture is beyond my concept. I was criping and whining about what I didn't want, rather than what I had. Sheesh! What a whining little kid. Stepping back, I see my childishness and am not amused at my behavior.

Whah! I want this! Whah! I want that!

Seeing now that I should drop the diapers and appear to make an effort to potty train, maybe in decades I'll be off the pot and a bit wiser, smarter, and maybe ... just, maybe

a little more mature.

Learning

2007-02-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

The most recent lesson I've learned is that I stink at more things that I knew. Without a doubt, I am worse at more things that I know and much more than those at which I excel. More work has proven that in any simple job, there is skill required. My job requires a fast, proficient talent that I do not have. I hope to develop it soon.

I also learned that God has plans that go well beyond those of my conception. Why am I here? I could ask why any person is here, but my more relevant question is why am I where I am? God knows, I don't. I was teaching, but in leaving teaching, my mother was hospitalized and I drove my heart-stricken father to see her, as he wasn't driving well. I put forth a geyser or cascading falls of resume's that were like bird poop.

In this hellish few months, I had no money, no job prospects, saw my father beside himself and my mom alive and doing well, all things considered and I was like a shadow. I appeared during the day, followed, then fell at night. For months, and still, I find rest elusive.

I also found that God did not let me leave ... there was a reason I was around. I couldn't just end my life without accounting, for I was responsible for more than just me. I, like it or not, was and am a role model. I didn't just shelf that after teaching. I was lost ... feeling crappy and selfish. Finally, friends tried to get me out of the hole I dug for myself.

A friend reviewed my resume' and found it to be uncomfortable toilet paper and helped me revise it. After these wicked, nasty months ... I found that I had God, I had friends, I had family. I had a couple of things still holding me back ...
pride and selfishness.

While I haven't abandoned them fully, I have far less pride, foolishly placed, and have nothing material so I can't be selfish in that respect. I guess it was squeezing time for me. God needed me to have a lot of the waste in me wrung away. I'm still dirty, wet, ragged, but usable. I am a washrag, but I serve a purpose. I could either be a bitter washrag or I could strive to be the best one that I can.

I think I'll try to be the best that I can. Thanks God!

Dog gone log puller!

2007-01-16T14:45:00.000-08:00

Keith exchanged dogs, meaning that he caged one and let the other one roam. Cheyenne was in typical form. "She literally dragged me across the floor", Keith coughed out while laughing. He isn't too pleased with her puppy behaviors right now, but they might diminish over time. Each dog is strong and together they could easily pull a wagon with their family of three.

"Eskimo, ex-cargo, my Radio Flyer go 160, swiftly. Eukanuba run, true run run run..."

The p-p-p-p-puppy power didn't much like the high movement antics of bi-peds playing Wii, when they weren't allowed in front of the TV or to jump on players or to chew on neat, new-smelling toys and gadgets. It wasn't nearly as fun for the puppies as adults. Cheyenne and Echo were, however, happy to get lovies and lie on laps and find naughty activities such as chewing heirlooms, toys; pulling food from previously-thought safe places. Cheyenne and Echo had itchy places I found. They were licking appreciations to me, sometimes smelling of wicked foulness in their mouths.

According to Keith who used the company ulta-expensive camera to shoot some shots, he got a me does Kilroy, half a face peering over a dog, while I scratched and lovied her. What silly, lovable dogs. "Pets" are theaputic. More often, pets are adopted family, sitting on furniture, lying in beds and sharing almost everything, including bathroom time. I remember this of Sid, especially, wanting to sit with me or right outside the door, if I could close the door fast enough.

+ title from Disney's "101 Dalmations"

Dogs gone mild

2007-01-13T17:35:00.000-08:00

Dogs bite and chew each other. They sit on people's laps. They lick and nibble on your ears. They try to steal your snacks.
They also share their muddy prints upon your once-clean jacket. It's okay, it was washed; next week they will attack it.

Echo got to ride in the car to the video store then to Starbucks. He got free lovin' scratches from the window person who wasn't too disppointed to pet his soft head. Without a "woof", he wiggled his "typical" rottweiler stump of a tail. He sat midseat, for getting him to stay in back was a battle not worth fighting.

Cheyenne, the naughty, was at home. She greeted him when he came in, jealous that he smelled of other places (the car).

Sadness

2007-01-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

I skipped my thoughts on my sadness in favor of helping disassmble (Short Circuit robt claining otherwise) the Christmas tree. It didn't help my mood. I did put on old radio comedy for the folks including Burns & Allen, Jack Benny, Bob Newhart, Smother Brothers.

I still have little joy in my heart. Smiling is a commodity I cannot share.

I compiled pictures for family and

2007-01-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

namely, PA family of the family here in FW during this Christmas and New Year. The line was long, yet a bratty old woman ahead of me claimed, "that woman is holding my place" (while she put her crap together. Nice. There was a woman behind her that was older and carrying larger boxes. The woman took no notice and continued to be in the way. I moved a stand, allowing the encumbered woman to walk by, later setting her boxes on a desk. She declined to allow me to carry them for her. I guess that makes sense.

I saw a young boy from the neighborhood who attneds a local school. Adrian passed by me with a smile. Good kid, though his house is full of people. That house, in particular, has had large families historically. The previous group was at least two families with 12 some people in a three or four bedroom house. Yikes! There was a third family that seemed to "time share".

I found and old 60s - 70s band, Spooky Tooth. I heard a song and forever could not find the group, "Green Eyed Lady". They aren't what you'd call hard rocking, but for the 60s/70s they were medium rock. I saw the geography and topography of my father's back. He claimed to have regional-specific itching. The area had a spot and on its lateral a different and scarier spot. Hmm. He claimed that he was going to see the dermatologist. I only hope that he does.

His moles are odd, but not uncommon. The other areas are of some concern to me.

Here is a blastoma, not nearly as bad as previous ones my mother has had. It is one of the wonders and "joys" of diabetes.

Parting away from my old ways

2007-01-08T16:26:00.000-08:00

Adam and Eve were tempted into biting the apple. Despite the bounty and plenty around them, they chose to eat the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge. For this, sin and Satan shows his lust for control. I engage in ranting so often, I fail to see the beauty. I have bitten the apple of knowledge, bear my mark of sin and must always be weary of sin and temptations. I have been filled with want, desire, and more, more, more. I seek to change and reflect no on my exile from Eden and what lies ahead for me and for other generations -- poisoned from my sins.